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Are your communication patterns working against you?

We are primarily creatures of habit. We follow similar patterns of behaviour day to day whether it be the way we get ourselves ready for work, the way we travel to and from destinations, the way we plan and arrange our lives. From a brain perspective they conserve energy, and prevent us becoming overwhelmed as we don’t have to constantly be making decisions on what to do and how to do it. Most of the time these patterns and habits serve us well; in fact 95% of our day is undertaken through our subconscious habits and patterns of behaviour. This includes the habits we have for communication and the conversations we hold. Many of our conversations are scripted from our subconscious mind and thus can be detrimental to us and those around us we love and care for.

Through my work with clients I help them see the impact their patterns of communication have on others. Recently, one of my clients was frustrated because, even though he was a senior engineer, he felt no one listened to him or wanted to agree with him . Feedback showed that he was perceived as arrogant and he didn’t listen to what others had to say. My client had no awareness of any of this and this insight hurt him. He had always believed the breakdown in communication was the fault of others.

My client is very loyal to the company and passionate about helping it thrive. He works very hard and, given his intelligence, he often did have the right answer. None of this mattered because his communication patterns didn’t align his impact with his intention.

He would into the meeting with a clear intention albeit an inwardly focused one, to have everyone agree with his opinion. When he didn’t get what he expected, he said he felt his professionalism was being threatened. He then responded with more of the same unhealthy patterns of behaviour and it spirals down from there.

When we are inwardly focused, we don’t see the impact our communication patterns have on others.

Judith E Glaser, founder of Conversational Intelligence® and the Creating WE Institute® has identified seven habits / patterns that disrupt relationships and can have a profound impact on others

Seven I-Centric Habit Patterns

As you read the following seven I-centric habit patterns, identify ones that do not serve your organization and see them as opportunities to develop WE-centric patterns. Monitor your impact. Notice how, by shifting to WE-centric patterns, you increase positive energy, focus your colleagues on creating the future, and enable greater leadership behaviours in everyone.

So, I’m the boss:Fear of giving up power and control; the belief that you need to tell people what to do.

Impact: You do it all; limit the accountability of others; fail to access organizational genius.

I’ve got a case on you:Blame others for making mistakes; build cases and play off weaknesses; be judgmental.

Impact: Holding grudges; resting on your laurels, limiting growth; negative workplace culture.

Giving up, giving in.Fear of the future; resigned to less than what you want; bailing out; hopelessness; loss of will.

Impact: Stagnation, loss of will, dissatisfaction, and frustration.

Hanging on for dear life:Fear of sharing; holding on to knowledge and past successes; carrying baggage.

Impact: Destroys relationships; limits potential; limits personal power.

Know it all:Has all the answers; doesn’t listen to others.

Impact: Assumptions and inferences; closed-down space.

I lost my voice!Accept authority; follow Groupthink and maintains the status quo; unwilling to rock the boat; unsure of own voice.

Impact: Mediocrity; loss of insight and inspiration.

Taking it to heart:Taking others’ points of view to heart; loss of trust in instincts; negative self-talk.

Impact: Loss of spirit and self-esteem; stops engaging.

The good news is that we can overcome our patterns and learn new and better ways to interact and communicate with others. It is all about understanding how words and actions impact on our brains and knowing how to change the impact through better use of words and conversations.

Conversational Intelligence® is a learnable skill that will radically transform your relationships, your business, and your teams. It is simple, practical and transformational.

When you find yourself frustrated or angry during a meeting, take a step back and take note of what is happening.

Who is doing all the talking?
Who is listening?
What are they trying to say?
Are the questions engaging or leading?
Are the questions opening up the conversational space or closing it down?

Once you learn what communication patterns are working against you, you can then work to improve them using these 4 tactics.

Talk less and listen more
Ask questions from a point of curiosity and wanting to know more
Keep an open mind
Ask permission to have your say

And remember………“Everything happens from conversation”

Time Management through Conversation

I attended a facilitated workshop last week and at the start of the program each of the leaders was asked what would help them be a better leader. Out of the 12 participants, all but one spoke about the need to improve their time management and find more time. Unfortunately time is finite. We have just 24 hours of it in a day. So we need to do more with what we have. Read any article or book on time management and there will be a raft of suggestions on how to better manage your day. Ideas such as attending fewer meetings, block out time in your diary to be left undisturbed, turn off your distractions such as emails, phones and social media. One of the biggest time wasters I see is the amount of time leaders spend clearing up someone else’s mess, doing the work of others, solving problems for others, repeating and re-iterating instructions and directions. Many leaders call this putting out bushfires and it does take a lot of time. But what if this time could be saved? In order improve your time management you need to address the root cause. I am going to suggest something that probably sounds counter intuitive to saving time. Have more conversations. You are probably thinking “surely talking with other people takes time, and in many cases wastes precious time”. But try to open your mind a little as you consider this. Currently 9 out of 10 conversations fail to deliver the intended message. If you were to change your conversations so that 9 out of 10 of them delivered, how much time would that save you? Here are some conversations that commonly fail

Conversations about vision and values statements that fail to engage the hearts and minds of others
Conversations about deliverables such as quality and quantity that are unclear or inconsistent
Conversations about expectations on performance and conduct that are inconsistent across the team
Conversations to scope out projects and processes that are too brief, underestimate, and assume too much
Conversations that instruct / direct others that assume too much or not enough knowledge
Conversations that trigger distrust and fear in others
Conversations that judge / criticise others
Conversations that shut down other people’s chance to provide input
Conversations to solve systemic interdepartmental conflicts that dance around the root cause
Conversations that are all about selling your idea rather than listening to other’s.

Are you familiar with any of these? There are other conversations that fail equally as badly and again waste time in the long run. These are the conversations that are not raised. The ones that remain silent &/or become fodder for gossip by others. You would be familiar with the conversations that remain under the table in meetings. A leader asks “is there anything else” and everyone looks around the room eager someone to be courageous (or stupid) enough to say what really needs to be said, yet you all remain silent. Yes the meeting ends on time but what really was understood? How engaged and supportive are the attendees to the decisions made? How much extra time is now spent in small huddles discussing why the decision wasn’t a good one? Poor conversation is a time waster. Good conversation is a time management gem. Here are my 6 time management tips that involved talking more

Create an environment where your team and colleagues feel safe to ask you for help / further instructions / more autonomy / greater challenge. Use this as an opportunity to delegate work &/or develop others.
Be crystal clear and consistent about your expectations of others regarding performance, conduct, quality and quantity.
Talk less and ask more questions for which you don’t have answers. This will encourage others to solve the problems themselves. Use questions like “what would you do?”, “what haven’t you tried?”, “who do you need to speak to?”
If people say/indicate they understand, don’t assume they do. Ask one more question like “can you go through what you understand from what we have just spoken about?”
Try replacing conversation stopping & fear invoking “yes but’s” with “yes and….”. You will create more positive energy that generates new ideas and solutions
Get people thinking deeper by replacing “why” questions with “how” / “what” questions. For example ask “What do you think happened here” instead of “why did this happen”.

Changing how you structure your conversations will significantly improve the understanding of your messages which in turn will reduce the time wasted in fixing / repeating / managing things. It isn’t about spending more time speaking with others but getting the best out of the conversations you have. Remember that words create worlds.

Stop Jargon killing your conversations

Have you experienced jargon killing your conversations?

Take this example.

“We need to innovate” says the General Manager. “One of our goals for the coming year will be to be more innovative. We need to create a paradigm shift. We need to future proof the business. Going forward our strategy will be to be truly customer centric. We will engage with our customers and capture their hearts and minds. Our people will become agile, innovative, and capable of blue sky thinking in creating solutions for them. They will possess a can-do attitude and be change champions. This will be our window of opportunity.”

This became the company’s vision.

Twelve months later the business is no more customer centric than it was before.

How many speeches have you heard just like this?

Lots of buzzwords words but very little substance.

Here’s a short quiz. How many words and phrases in the above sentence would fail the jargon test? How many would be part of a game of buzzword or B**S bingo? (Answer at least 15)

Jargon has its place however it is grossly overused today. Hardly a meeting, value statement, or one to one discussion is devoid of jargon. The problem is that although it sounds good to some, jargon is a conversation killer.

Why is it so popular?

I believe it has a lot to do with our need to belong; a powerful instinct we all have. In the workplace our need to belong can be all encompassing. You see belonging is about how secure we feel and about fitting in with the crowd. We want to part of the team and so we take on the values and mannerisms we perceive of others. Jargon is part of fitting in. We hear others use it and so we follow suit so we sound the same. It doesn’t matter that we don’t understand what the terms mean. It is the perception of being like them that matters. We use the words to show we fit.

And here lies the big problem.

Jargon kills conversation.

When jargon is attached to status or the desire to fit in, people are less inclined to seek an understanding of what the words and phrases actually mean. You are so eager to show that you belong; that you are “one of them”, you are not going to risk this by asking what a word/phrase actually means.

And so jargon becomes meaningless, empty vessels that block understanding, questions, ideas and suggestions.

Imagine you are sitting in the meeting where the General Manager says the above statement. Who is going to stand up and ask the GM to clarify what she has just said? Who will ask how exactly will this opportunity be implemented?

I would think no one.

When senior leaders use jargon it is unlikely others will question or challenge. The conversation that gives depth and meaning remains unspoken.

Jargon also kills conversation by sending our brain’s activity into the primitive parts where negativity and distrust flourish. Many people consider jargon with very low regard. Unsurprisingly these are often people who distrust their leaders and are skeptical of any changes announced. When jargon is used these people lose trust and their mind closes down. You can actually see it happen. It isn’t the person’s fault; their brains are only responding to the words used.

If you are a leader of a team or a department, how often do you use jargon when you speak to your team? How many of your team close their minds to you as a result? You may have the best of intentions in what you want to say however the impact can be devastating.

If you do find yourself using jargon here are two ways to encourage rather than kill the conversation and in the process conversationally intelligent.

Ask your team what they understand the word/phrase means to them. For example you may want your team to be “change champions”. Rather then just expect them to understand what this actually means, talk with the team about what a change champion does. What are the responsibilities / expectations? How will the role operate or perform? Ask them if they would prefer to use different terminology given that “change champion” is jargon
If you make a statement/ expectation like we all need to be more “innovative”, ensure you spend time discussing how this will be actioned. What does innovativeness look like in your team? What resources and opportunities will there be to enable people to be innovative? What process will be in place for the innovative ideas to be given consideration and approval?

All of a sudden you begin to engage your people in rich discussion which triggers activity in their higher order brains where creativity, critical thinking and possibility live. It creates true belonging through sharing, trust and honesty.

You see it is possible to use jargon provided it is not simply used to prove you belong. You just need to fill the empty meaningless vessel of a jargon word/phrase with meaning and understanding.

How you can improve your communication style

I met with a client during the week. We have been spending time lately on his relationships with his team and peers. He felt that he had a good leadership style and quite an effective communication style. However he had been given feedback that he didn’t involve people and tended to go with his own ideas.

Over the time of our relationship, my client was able to provide a lot of information about his team members and that suggested to me that my client was a leader who was capable of using social as well as technical skills in his role. Research has found that competence in social skills accounts for the majority of difference between good and great leaders and yet few leaders develop this competence.

What do I mean competence in social skills?

Neuroscience has found that we are at our most productive, creative and innovative when we activate our prefrontal cortex. This region of the brain is responsible for these outcomes. It is also the region that enables us to trust, connect and engage with others. The more we interact with others, the more open we are and the more we innovate. Being social is not about being soft. It is about using the brains around us to create possibility.

I was pleased that my client had the capacity and inclination to develop these skills.

A leaders’ social competence shows up in their communication style. When they have high social competence their communication style develops trust with people and engages them. Their conversations are inclusive and open rather than judging and closed. Leaders with low social competence tend to be those who must be right and must have control. Their communication style tends to shut conversations down. These leaders do most of the talking and listen long enough to develop their next argument without consideration of what others are thinking. People around these types of leaders tend not to provide input, challenge or question. The feedback my client received suggested that this might be happening around him.

To get an understanding of my client’s behaviour I sat in on a few his meetings to observe his communication style. I counted up the amount of time he spoke vs the time he allowed others. I noted the types of questions he asked and the how he put his views and ideas forward. This type of assessment occurs often in the elite sports sector so that the athlete learns how and where they need improve their performance. Bringing this concept into leader development is a fantastic way for a leader to improve theirs.

My observations showed that my client did allow space for open discussion in meetings. However the big finding was how he tended to involve only a few of the members of his team in the conversations. We discussed this and he admitted that the people he involved most were the ones that thought like he did. He also said that when he did ask for input, some of his team simply referred the decision back to him. He said he found this frustrating.

My client is very keen to be a great leader and he understands that his greatest resource is his people. However he admitted he was reticent to change and improve his communication style as he believed that this might have a negative impact on his efficiency in delivering his KPI’s.

We discussed how this might look using a number of scenarios and with this my client decided on a model to experiment with. He wanted to have everyone’s input and believed this was very important. He was keen to find a better way to run the meetings.

We mapped out some questions that would encourage connection and input of everyone without it sounding too structured. My client was open to experimenting to find the best way to engage his people and still deliver. We spoke about the need to get feedback direct from his team which he was uncomfortable in asking for. I explained that this process provides a great opportunity to practice asking questions, listening to understand, and being non judgmental. It also shows courage and vulnerability which leaders need to have a healthy dose of. My client is still nervous about doing this so we will discuss again in another session.

So this is a work in progress for my client but I hope that this helps highlight how you can improve your communication style and become more inclusive and engaging.

If you would like to discuss your own communication style and how you can improve it, please send me an email and I will set up a time to catch up.

Strategic Planning for ground breaking results

A common activity in businesses of all sizes is strategic planning. Every year the senior leadership team and possibly a pool of employees work together to map out the plans, KPI’s, budgets, and direction for the next 1 – 5 years.

But how much of this strategic planning activity results in significantly improving the current situation?

I once worked for an organisation that was suffering with the downturn in the economy. They put enormous energy into their strategic planning process involving much of the business over several months. However instead of making significant improvements to the way they operated, their results showed little change year on year. There was no money allocated in the budget to invest in people or processes and there wasn’t an appetite for risk or change. It was as though they were too afraid to do something different. It was as though the collective mindset of the senior leaders was closed to possibility and opportunity.

What if the strategic planning process stopped being about doing more with less and instead excited people to achieve great things?

Neuroscience has found that our default behaviour lives in our subconscious and involves the primitive brain (defend & protect), and our limbic brain (emotions, beliefs, past experiences). When we are under pressure &/or feel threatened our brains release cortisol that prepares the body for attack or defence. Behaviours exhibited include distrust, micromanaging, blaming, right fighting, & risk aversion.

They have also found that cortisol works to shut down the parts of the brain in the face of threat. This makes sense given our primitive response is to either fight or flee. Our brain works to conserve and focus our energy on survival. Unfortunately our primitive brain has not evolved and does not know the difference between facing an enemy or the downturn in the markets and responds to any threat or fear as though it is a life or death situation.

The Pre Frontal Cortex is one part of the brain that cortisol shuts down. Research has found that this is where trust, creativity, innovation, and possibility reside. These are the brain activities we need to involve when undertaking strategic planning. If the strategic planning process is about finding ways to do more with less, creating an environment of uncertainty and insecurity, it is likely that this will trigger fear and threat responses and not creativity.

The trick is to change the way the process is undertaken so that the primitive brain calms down which allows the prefrontal cortex to activate. This then provides the opportunity for possibilities and ideas to be shared and discussed.

Research has found we are hardwired to grow and develop. You can see this when you look back at how far we have evolved compared to any other species. We have this ability because we have a large prefrontal cortex. It used to be said that what differentiates humans from other animals was our use of language and our use of tools. Today they have found that what differentiates humans is our ability to look to the future, to continually evolve and seek out possibility. No other animal species does this.

What are the chances of your strategic planning process transforming the business? Unless you allow your business to see out possibility, change will be slow.

So the aim of your strategic planning activity should be to have all participants accessing their prefrontal cortex and calming down their fear and threat brain activity.

Here are some six tips to help achieve this

Have a range of activities that are designed to open up the PFC. Examples are

Ask all participants in the strategic planning participants identify where they are at on a scale of 1 (I am resisting) – 10 (I’m open). Ask them what it would take to move forward on the scale.
Go around the table and ask each participant what their vision is for the business
Ask each participant what their number one idea is for turning the business around

Put rules in place for how meeting will run.

Allow people to share concerns, gripes, or views without judgement. Make it a rule that the only responses are either to say thankyou or to ask one of the following question.

What if….?,
How would that look like….?
Can you explain further…..?
When you say X what do you mean?
How would you have responded / dealt with it?

Hold off making decisions until all input has been provided

Ask everyone what they are prepared to do differently in order for the strategy to be achieved and what support they need to make the changes.

Have all participants go into the workplace and talk about the strategic planning process and the outcomes.

These activities are known to activate the prefrontal cortex. This creates an environment of trust and belonging empowering people to challenge and question current systems and processes without fear of recrimination. It enables people’s ability to think of possibilities and a different future for the organisation. Businesses that are struggling to see a brighter future are encouraged to use these principals.

Would you like to learn more about how to conduct your strategic planning differently and get better results? I would love to see if I can assist either with advice or facilitation. Call me now.

Are your communication patterns working against you?

Time Management through Conversation

Stop Jargon killing your conversations

How you can improve your communication style

Strategic Planning for ground breaking results

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