Are your communication patterns working against you?

Are your communication patterns working against you?

We are primarily creatures of habit.  We follow similar patterns of behaviour day to day whether it be the way we get ourselves ready for work, the way we travel to and from destinations, the way we plan and arrange our lives.  From a brain perspective they conserve energy, and prevent us becoming overwhelmed as we don’t have to constantly be making decisions on what to do and how to do it. Most of the time these patterns and habits serve us well; in fact 95% of our day is undertaken through our subconscious habits and patterns of behaviour.   This includes the habits we have for communication and the conversations we hold.  Many of our conversations are scripted from our subconscious mind and thus can be detrimental to us and those around us we love and care for.

Through my work with clients I help them see the impact their patterns of communication have on others.  Recently, one of my clients was frustrated because, even though he was a senior engineer, he felt no one listened to him or wanted to agree with him . Feedback showed that he was perceived as arrogant and he didn’t listen to what others had to say.  My client had no awareness of any of this and this insight hurt him.  He had always believed the breakdown in communication was the fault of others.

My client is very loyal to the company and passionate about helping it thrive.  He works very hard and, given his intelligence, he often did have the right answer.  None of this mattered because his communication patterns didn’t align his impact with his intention.

He would into the meeting with a clear intention albeit an inwardly focused one, to have everyone agree with his opinion.  When he didn’t get what he expected, he said he felt his professionalism was being threatened.  He then responded with more of the same unhealthy patterns of behaviour and it spirals down from there.

When we are inwardly focused, we don’t see the impact our communication patterns have on others.

Judith E Glaser, founder of Conversational Intelligence® and the Creating WE Institute® has identified seven habits / patterns that disrupt relationships and can have a profound impact on others

Seven I-Centric Habit Patterns

As you read the following seven I-centric habit patterns, identify ones that do not serve your organization and see them as opportunities to develop WE-centric patterns. Monitor your impact. Notice how, by shifting to WE-centric patterns, you increase positive energy, focus your colleagues on creating the future, and enable greater leadership behaviours in everyone.

  1. So, I’m the boss:Fear of giving up power and control; the belief that you need to tell people what to do.

       Impact: You do it all; limit the accountability of others; fail to access organizational genius.

  1. I’ve got a case on you:Blame others for making mistakes; build cases and play off weaknesses; be judgmental.

      Impact: Holding grudges; resting on your laurels, limiting growth; negative workplace culture.

  1. Giving up, giving in.Fear of the future; resigned to less than what you want; bailing out; hopelessness; loss of will.

      Impact: Stagnation, loss of will, dissatisfaction, and frustration.

  1. Hanging on for dear life:Fear of sharing; holding on to knowledge and past successes; carrying baggage.

      Impact: Destroys relationships; limits potential; limits personal power.

  1. Know it all:Has all the answers; doesn’t listen to others.

      Impact: Assumptions and inferences; closed-down space.

  1. I lost my voice!Accept authority; follow Groupthink and maintains the status quo; unwilling to rock the boat; unsure of own voice. 

      Impact: Mediocrity; loss of insight and inspiration.

  1. Taking it to heart:Taking others’ points of view to heart; loss of trust in instincts; negative self-talk.

      Impact: Loss of spirit and self-esteem; stops engaging.

The good news is that we can overcome our patterns and learn new and better ways to interact and communicate with others.  It is all about understanding how words and actions impact on our brains and knowing how to change the impact through better use of words and conversations.

Conversational Intelligence® is a learnable skill that will radically transform your relationships, your business, and your teams.  It is simple, practical and transformational.

When you find yourself frustrated or angry during a meeting, take a step back and take note of what is happening.

  • Who is doing all the talking?
  • Who is listening?
  • What are they trying to say?
  • Are the questions engaging or leading?
  • Are the questions opening up the conversational space or closing it down?

Once you learn what communication patterns are working against you, you can then work to improve them using these 4 tactics.

  1. Talk less and listen more
  2. Ask questions from a point of curiosity and wanting to know more
  3. Keep an open mind
  4. Ask permission to have your say

And remember………“Everything happens from conversation”

Creative Thinking – it’s child’s play

Creative Thinking – it’s child’s play

It’s a sign of the times really.  We have become increasingly busy in our work and private lives.  Talk to anyone and they will lament about how they have no time.  They say they are so busy that they don’t have the chance to be bored.

One of my clients believes whole heartedly that kids should be allowed to be bored during school holidays.  She believes it’s the best way for them to spark their creative thinking and imagination.  She believes her boys will benefit from having the chance to think creatively and make up games to play.

I remember when our stepdaughters were young and spent school holidays with us.  I too believed that kids should be allowed to be bored and that they didn’t need to be entertained every day.  Unfortunately on their “bored” days they literally sat around and did little of their own entertaining.  It was as though they were unable to be creative.

But during summer holidays something wonderful happened.  They couldn’t wait to go in the swimming pool where they’d spend hours playing delightfully girly games of mermaids and living on tropical islands.  For some reason they weren’t able to tap into their imagination when they were in the house, but could readily do so when in the pool.

It was an early lesson for me about the importance of environment on creative thinking.

We are all capable of being creative regardless of what we think.  I have often said that I don’t possess a creative bone in my body.  But my understanding of what being creative meant was limited.  I perceived creativity to be about art and music both of which I don’t do well at.  However I recently discovered that I have a creativeness when it comes to problem solving.  This is when I feel I am at my most creative.

What stops our ability to be creative?

Brain scans show high levels of activity in prefrontal cortex when we are thinking creatively.  This means that many of the networks associated with creative thinking are centred in the prefrontal cortex.

Research has also shown that when we feel distrust, insecurity and/or threat this triggers the release of cortisol which prepares the body for a fight or flight response.  Cortisol shuts down the activity in the prefrontal cortex to conserve energy rendering it ineffective.

When our prefrontal cortex functionality is impacted by cortisol, our ability to innovate and create is reduced.

So it’s not that we able to think creatively, we need to feel safe and trusted in order to be so.  We need to have our prefrontal cortex open and operating.

How does creative thinking or a lack thereof, impact a business?

We often hear the need for employees to be creative, adaptable and flexible in order for the company to thrive in today’s challenging environment.   They are certainly key ingredients for business success.

However this can imply that the responsibility for being innovative and creative lies with the individual: that employee contribution and the working environment are not linked.

In reality it is the Leaders who need to create an environment that encourages employees to engage their prefrontal cortex.  They are the ones who must model and develop the relationships, the conversations and the engagement of the workforce.  Great leaders have great followers. They know that trust and healthy relationships bring the best out of people.  Neuroscience shows the impact of good leadership and how it triggers activity in the prefrontal cortex rather than the threat response regions of the brain.  Great leaders may not understand neuroscience; they just know that what they do works.

A “prefrontal cortex” friendly culture is one where all employees feel that they belong.  Their position descriptions are clear and they understand the contribution their role makes towards the vision of the company.  They feel that they can talk openly and frankly about their aspirations and their concerns without fear of judgment or retribution.  They feel challenged, trusted, and respected and have the resources needed to succeed.  Creative thinking is possible in all employees when the environment is right.

When a workplace has such a culture you will find high levels of collaboration, continuous improvement and achievement.  Systems and processes will run smoother, relationships with customers and suppliers will be stronger and the company may well be far more successful than they thought possible.   This all contributes to a healthy bottom line.

Of course this isn’t a warm and fuzzy scenario.  Success and achievement only happens with effort.

When leaders have the trust of their team, and vice versa, they can challenge the team more and place greater levels of responsibility on them.  They can push them out of their comfort zones and through difficult situations.  When conflict arises, and it will, they can resolve them in a manner that maintains the relationships.

This is what Apple did between 2003 and 2006.

Steve Jobs wanted to create the Apple “smart phone” (not called that at the time).  He wanted to take the functionality of a laptop/ tablet and put it into a mobile phone.  Whilst tablets were coming more popular, significantly increasing the functionality of mobile phones was something new.   Apple brought some of their engineers together and they were given the brief to design and create a mobile phone capable of the same functionality as you had in a laptop or tablet.

Steve Jobs’ vision was clear and so was their need to be highly innovative.  They had to operate using their prefrontal cortex simply because whilst there was a vision, there were no instructions.  The engineers had to work together to develop something completely new.   They had to take existing functionality and fit it inside a mobile phone.  They needed to collaborate, innovate, design, and experiment in order to make it possible.

Yes there were high expectations for them to deliver, Steve Jobs is well known to be highly driven, but there was also the trust, resources, and the space given for the engineers to thrive.

In 2007 the I-phone was released.  Steve Jobs’ vision that mobile phones were the future for portable information has certainly come to fruition, however it was his engineers’ creativeness that made it happen.  This would not have been possible if they were unable to access their prefrontal cortex.  It would not have happened if they felt threatened and judged.

How different would it be if we were all able to work with the imagination of 5-7 year olds, working together in thinking up different scenarios, developing new ideas for using the resources available to us, sharing what the future could be like?

The truth is our childhood brain still exists; it is called our Prefrontal Cortex.  Over the years we have put the brakes on it.  We really can change the future by changing how we use our brain.  If we focus on the environment in which we and our employees work in, we can significantly enhance the creative thinking which will lead to improvements in all areas of the business.

How you can improve your communication style

How you can improve your communication style

I met with a client during the week.  We have been spending time lately on his relationships with his team and peers.  He felt that he had a good leadership style and quite an effective communication style.  However he had been given feedback that he didn’t involve people and tended to go with his own ideas.

Over the time of our relationship, my client was able to provide a lot of information about his team members and that suggested to me that my client was a leader who was capable of using social as well as technical skills in his role.  Research has found that competence in social skills accounts for the majority of difference between good and great leaders and yet few leaders develop this competence.

What do I mean competence in social skills?

Neuroscience has found that we are at our most productive, creative and innovative when we activate our prefrontal cortex.  This region of the brain is responsible for these outcomes.  It is also the region that enables us to trust, connect and engage with others.  The more we interact with others, the more open we are and the more we innovate.  Being social is not about being soft. It is about using the brains around us to create possibility.

I was pleased that my client had the capacity and inclination to develop these skills.

A leaders’ social competence shows up in their communication style.  When they have high social competence their communication style develops trust with people and engages them.  Their conversations are inclusive and open rather than judging and closed. Leaders with low social competence tend to be those who must be right and must have control.  Their communication style tends to shut conversations down.  These leaders do most of the talking and listen long enough to develop their next argument without consideration of what others are thinking.   People around these types of leaders tend not to provide input, challenge or question.  The feedback my client received suggested that this might be happening around him.

To get an understanding of my client’s behaviour I sat in on a few his meetings to observe his communication style.  I counted up the amount of time he spoke vs the time he allowed others.  I noted the types of questions he asked and the how he put his views and ideas forward.  This type of assessment occurs often in the elite sports sector so that the athlete learns how and where they need improve their performance.   Bringing this concept into leader development is a fantastic way for a leader to improve theirs.

My observations showed that my client did allow space for open discussion in meetings.  However the big finding was how he tended to involve only a few of the members of his team in the conversations.   We discussed this and he admitted that the people he involved most were the ones that thought like he did.  He also said that when he did ask for input, some of his team simply referred the decision back to him.  He said he found this frustrating.

My client is very keen to be a great leader and he understands that his greatest resource is his people.  However he admitted he was reticent to change and improve his communication style as he believed that this might have a negative impact on his efficiency in delivering his KPI’s.

We discussed how this might look using a number of scenarios and with this my client decided on a model to experiment with.  He wanted to have everyone’s input and believed this was very important.  He was keen to find a better way to run the meetings.

We mapped out some questions that would encourage connection and input of everyone without it sounding too structured.  My client was open to experimenting to find the best way to engage his people and still deliver.  We spoke about the need to get feedback direct from his team which he was uncomfortable in asking for.  I explained that this process provides a great opportunity to practice asking questions, listening to understand, and being non judgmental.  It also shows courage and vulnerability which leaders need to have a healthy dose of.  My client is still nervous about doing this so we will discuss again in another session.

So this is a work in progress for my client but I hope that this helps highlight how you can improve your communication style and become more inclusive and engaging.

If you would like to discuss your own communication style and how you can improve it, please send me an email and I will set up a time to catch up.

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